This is a poem I wrote on a very emotional night when all I thought was how does a mother feel when she knows she will lose her child. It is very close to my heart. And I hope it touches yours.
HAVE YOU EVER THROWN YOUR CHILD INTO THE SKY?
THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO DIG HIM INTO THE EARTH.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT THAT THIS MIGHT BE WHAT HE WANTS?
HAS IT EVER MATTERED?
I HAD A BABY WHO WAS DYING,
TINY LITTLE ONE MONTH OLD HE
LAY TENDER IN THE INCUBATOR,
BODY WRAPPED IN PIPES
SUPPLYING OXYGEN,
LIFE SUPPORT.HE WAS MY ONLY HOPE
STILL, I DIDN’T FIGHT FOR HIM
AS MUCH AS THOSE PHYSICIANS DID.
HE FACED ME WITH HIS SAD EYES CLOSED
AND I COULD HARDLY SEE THEM,
BUT I KNEW THEY WERE SAD.I HAD A BABY WHO WAS DYING
AND MY FAMILY CRIED BUT I DIDN’T.
HE DIDN’T NEED MY TEARS.
HE WAS NOT AFRAID OF DEATH,
FOR HE DIDN’T FEAR LEAVING ME-
THE MOTHER HE WOULD NEVER KNOW.I KNEW HE’D NEVER LIVE,
I WONDERED WHY THOSE PHYSICIANS WANTED
TO KEEP HIM ALIVE.
I KNOW THEY KNEW HE’D NEVER LIVE,
AND STILL, THEY HURT MY BABY
WITH THOSE SYRINGES.
I WONDER IF THEY COULD EVEN FIND HIS NERVES…I NEVER FELT MY BABY,
NEVER FELT HIM SUCKLE ME FOR MILK,
NEVER FELT HIS TENDER HANDS.
I CRIED, NOT SHOWING MY TEARS.
I BLED FROM WITHIN.
FOR HE DIDN’T WANT THAT.
NOT FROM THE LADY HE WOULD NEVER CALL MOMMY.
HE NEEDED STRENGTH, THE STRENGTH TO BREAK FREE. RELEASE.
AND A MOTHER MAKES HER CHILD STRONG.
SO I DIDN’T CRY,
BUT I BLED FROM WITHIN.I STILL BLED FROM THE POST-BIRTH CYCLE.
THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH WAS STILL FRESH,
AS WAS THE FIRST RUSH OF LOVE I FELT WHEN I SAW HIM.
BUT I WENT TO HIS INCUBATOR
TO FEEL HIM FOR THE FIRST AND THE LAST TIME.
I TOOK OFF HIS RESPIRATOR,
THOSE NEEDLES,
AND HELD HIM FOR THE LONGEST TIME AGAINST MY BREAST.
I RAN MY FINGERS THROUGH HIS BABY HAIR,
I FELT HIS MOUTH,
HIS LITTLE NOSE,
HIS TINY FINGER NAILS.
I ADORED HIS WHITE SKIN.
I SAW THAT HE HAD GREY EYES.
I KISSED HIM…
THEN I FELT HIS BODY THROW HIS SOUL INTO THE SKY.
AND WHEN HE BROKE FREE
I ALLOWED MY EYES TO CRY.
