Beautiful Poem of Bereavement For My Dadi August 31, 2009

I lost my Dadi last year on the 5th of September, which was also the 6th of Ramadan according to the Islamic Hijri Calendar.

I still dream of her.

I still like to pretend she didn’t ever exist.

And I’d rather never ever talk of her.

Or write. But this is the only dignified way I can grieve.

Recently, I’ve been addicted to Desperate Housewives. Finished watching Season 4 and now onto Season 5. The poem Mrs. McClusky recites for Aida, before they sprinkle the latter’s ashes, touched my heart.

Upon reading the master piece over and over, I felt it fits this old woman who was always vibrant and alive and who left us forever.

Dadi, this is for you.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.”

Mary Elizabeth Frye – 1932

Gramma October 14, 2008

The 11th of October was her 40th day after death. We call it the chalisma. We believe that by the 40th day, the body of the dead person completes its return to Earth.

Yesterday, I compiled all her pics… i.e. all those pics of her I had with me, onto facebook. I’ve done this for her, and for us grand kids who loved her till the worlds end.

She was such a pretty lady at 94, with the most expressive grey eyes. And she was so funny.

Everyone of her pictures speaks volumes about what she may have felt at that time. I was putting off doing the compilation thinking it would make me feel sad over her loss, when I’ve just begun to have some Sabr (i.e. like I’ve made peace with it), but I am really happy I did this.

She was one woman with a heart of gold, soft hearted like melting candle wax, and as courageous as a hero, as tolerant as a Cinderella, a pillar for all of us to lean on, and a thread that bound our family so tight that as a family we are that unified bunch of sticks which can never ever be broken.

Love you lady!

Just One Time… October 3, 2008

… I wish she could appear to me, in spirit or in dreams, and tell me that she knows how much I miss her and that she knew all the while, even in her unconscious state, that I was there for her.

… I wish I could have held her lifeless body just a little longer before they took her away.

… I wish she knew my hands were in hers as the breath left her body.

Just a Wish October 3, 2008

I wish that, just one time, she stands alive in front of me, telling me that she hears me everytime I tell her, “I love you”.

Funny thing is the last time I spoke to her, when she was alive, we had a nice conversation and then she said she wanted to hang up. I asked her not to be bothered about the cash I was spending while talking to her. She said ok and also that she didn’t know what more to say. I dragged the conversation for a few minutes forcing words out of her mouth after which she was tired and again, she let me know she wished to hang up.

This time I said ok, take care and I said, “I love you”. (About four times)

(She knew I don’t say ‘bye’ and she never said it to me either. )

Thrice, her reply to ‘I love you’ was ‘Thank You’.

Fourth time I told her what I wanted to hear in return. In her small old voice she said, “Love you”.

It was the last time she said this to me.
I’m so glad I forced her to speak to me for those seven minutes.

Love or What? September 30, 2008

She was this kind of woman with a heart that was beautiful beyond words.

She knew she was on her death bed. My family, my mom, my mom-in-law, all asked her if she wanted to meet with me. At this time, she was still able to talk as normally as possible.

She was so firm with her ‘no’. She said she didn’t want to see me. She advised them against letting me know she was in such a bad condition.

On the 19th day of July 2008, we confirmed the pregnancy with a beta hCg. Iqbal was so thrilled. I was in heaven. We decided to break the news to everyone ASAP. Considering I had 2 very old granny’s and I didn’t want to take their lives for granted.

I believe that anything can happen in one day. So to all those you love, you must love them as though there is no tomorrow.

I called my dadi first. She was so happy. One more of her dreams had just come true.

So on her hospital bed, she told my mom that if they let me know she was in such a horrible state then I’ll be in shock and tremendous pain and that was not good for me during pregnancy.

The day I landed in India and went to the hospital to visit her, she was unconscious, trapped by pipes and tubes, on the ventilator. Just breathing. I knew it was her end because I saw the face of death on her for the first and only time.

I died for those ten minutes I was alone with her. I was so angry and hurt by my family, for they never let me a clue that I would never see her see me and smile at me again… It was the one gift they could have given me. But I understood their concern, they were all so concerned about my pregnancy and just wanted the best for my baby.

I’d often wonder after that visit if she knew I was there besides her. If she knew I loved her. I wished so desperately for a chance to let her know this. Now I know she knew. What kind of person, on her death bed, sacrifices the chance of meeting with her oldest grandchild with whom she shared so many years of mid night conversations, sleep, secrets, tea, biscuits, hugs and all the energy of her love? She knew I would be in deep pain, if I were told. She knew how much I loved her. And her sacrifice was her one last act of love towards me.

Trying September 30, 2008

For nearly a month I have tried to write as a therapy for my aching heart. But it is so hard for me to express in words what I feel.

Everything I feel or think about starts with – ‘I wish I had’ and ‘If only I knew’…

My cousin introduced me to Alter Bridge, through a song, he’s dedicated to her. I thank him for that. It is a song I’ve grown to love and though it can never express all that I feel, at least it does justice to our memories of her.

In Loving Memory Lyrics
Artist(Band):Alter Bridge

Thanks for all you’ve done
I’ve missed you for so long
I can’t believe you’re gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you’re a part of me
And it’s your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you’re gone
You still mean the world to me

I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
But now I come home and it’s not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can’t believe you’re gone

And I know, you’re a part of me
And it’s your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I’m glad he set you free from sorrow
I’ll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

And I know, you’re a part of me
And it’s your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me
___________________________________

Love you Dadi.

The Month of…. September 28, 2008

August was a total disaster. And just as disastrous was the month of September.

August saw me lose sleep. It saw me through a horrible accident caused by the recklessness of a truck driver, thanks to God, I’m alive. It saw me through an emotional upheaval, the loss of my monetary independence, job satisfaction, etc., etc. …

But what could be worse than losing one of the greatest loves of your life? What could be worse than losing your inspiration, losing someone who’s shadow you slept in for the most part of your single and unmarried life?

September 2008 and the Holy month of Ramadan saw me lose her. Sorry… it saw Us lose her. My Dadi (Father’s Mom). My Beloved.

Our Beloved.